You probably noticed that my studies have been quite hard for me lately. I’ve been at it for almost three and a half years now, and combining working and studying, passion and ratio, is getting to me. Last summer I spent mostly working on my Bachelor Project, which was fun to do. I did feel a huge resistance inside me, however, to start taking classes again in September. First I had to choose my Master, then I changed it again, and started. Interesting subjects. I think, I know in the back of my head. Still I can’t really get enthusiastic about it. Already in the first week, I’m at home, sick. I have to fight falling asleep during class (never happened to me before). Don’t feel like it at all. Much more homework than during my Bachelor, even though it’s not more difficult and I’m better at studying papers and presenting them than most ICT students. Still trying to make all the assignments. Sometimes a bit overdue, but that’s accepted. I’m not the only one.
Next to studying and teaching, the CD recording has to be prepared as well. So I need to practice a lot, both at home and in Amsterdam. Then I miss a week because of the recordings, and another half week for resting afterwards. Still I keep trying to catch up. I become a bit emotionally unstable. I lose the overview. I worry about the future. If I don’t do things now, we will have to postpone some things that we are working for, like moving closer to our family, an ICT job, children… Every delay has consequences for both of us, so I will have to hang on. Without pleasure or motivation, which costs tons of energy. I wake up tired in the morning and I even start to resent doing things I like. I flee in diversions, like visiting family and friends. Try to ignore my worries. I partly get the discipline from somewhere for a couple of more weeks, but last Monday it came to a screeching halt. Basta. Enough. Reflect.
I had to admit to myself: this doesn’t work. I study partially for practical reasons, but certainly also because it interests me, and I like the area. Somewhere in the back of my head, I know that this interest still exists. That I still like it. But I’m tired, and out of fuel. So, I give myself some time off. I don’t want to spoil everything for myself, so I will still have to do Data Structures (assignments and an exam). I still have to pass that Bachelor subject, and I don’t want to have to wait until August for the next possible exam date. I will also try to pass the Neural Networks exam. The rest is a shame, but it’s too much right now. I hate the fact that I’ll have to see this semester as more or less lost. Feel guilty and weak. Others have more problems than me, right? I have a lot of luxury, to be able to study, right? Giving up is bad, right? But now that I’ve finally made a decision and admitted to myself that I can’t do it right now, I feel a little relieved as well. Still very tired, though. I know that I shouldn’t sit still now, just do some things that interest me. Take good care of both me and David. Allow myself to really have free time. It’s been a long time. And in a while, I will go talk to a student counselor, maybe that they can help me deal with stress (which is really there, but somehow grows inside my head).